Curse of the Brothers Winchester
by DellaVie
Summary: Sam and Dean in PotC. Crack!ed.
1. Dialogue

This was originally supposed to be a CW War (notice the crack), but instead I thought I would try to tell a story without prose. Just good ole' fashioned dialogue and onomatopoeia.

Let me know how it goes, yeah?

Oh and **warning:** This story is more crack!ed than a crack-ridden budgie hopped up on crack. ("Say crack one more time.") Crack!

* * *

Crack! of the Carribean: Curse of the Brothers Winchester

_(1 - Dialogue)_

* * *

"Dude."

"What?"

"What happened to my clothes?"

"What do you mean what happened to your clothes? ...What happened to _my _clothes?"

"Sam, focus! My jeans are gone! I'm wearing... what the hell is this?"

"Britches?"

"You're a bitch."

"No, that's what they're called."

"Sonuvabitch! This is not happening!"

"Dean, let's just calm down and figure this out, okay?"

"Don't tell me to calm down Sam! I woke up without my clothes, my gun, and the floor seems to be rocking!"

"Well, what's the last thing you remember?"

"Going to sleep."

"Dean."

"Seriously. That's it. I was watching some movie and I went to sleep."

"Which movie?"

"Does it really matter?"

"Uhh, considering the situation I'd say yeah Dean, it _does _matter."

"It was..."

"...Any day now, Dean."

"Shut up, I'm thinking."

...

...

...

"Well?"

"Pirates of the Carribean."

"Pirates of the Carribean?"

"What, you want a cracker? Yes, Pirates of the Carribean."

"Hunh."

"What?"

"Nothing, I just... I told you it was relevant."

"You don't think that we're..."

"In the movie? Dean, look around - it's looking pretty likely."

"No. NonononoNO!"

"What, it could be worse - it could be Flight of the Phoenix."

"This is not happening!"

"Apparently it is Dean. So we just need to deal with it, and find a way back. So you'll just have to be... And I'll just have to be..."

"Yeah, see that's _exactly _why this isn't happening."

"Dude, I'm Jack Sparrow."

"I know."

"I'm Jack Sparrow, and you're..."

"Don't say it. Don't!"

"You're-"

"I'm warning you Sam - don't say it!"

"You're Elizabeth!"

"No I'm not! I'm Will."

"Hahaha, ohh of all the times I wanted a camera."

"Shut up, Sam."

"But you look so pretty. Pretty, pretty Will Turner."

"I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Careful, you won't want to ruin your hair."

"Well, that explains why you're Jack then."

"What?"

"Your hair. Take note Sam, this is what's going to happen if you don't get it cut."

"Shut up, Dean."

"And ease up on the eyeliner, yeah? You're starting to look cheap."

...

"Oww!"

"Oww!"

"Don't friggin' hit me, bitch."

"You started it, Jerk."

"Where the hell are we, anyway?"

"I don't know. On a boat?"

"Well thank you Captain Obvious."

"That's Captain Jack Sparrow to you - Oww!"

"Uhh, Sam?"

"Yeah, Dean?"

"You know how to fly a ship?"

"You mean 'sail a ship'?"

"Whatever."

"Umm... Not really."

"We are so screwed."

"Well, maybe we could..."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"'Maybe we could...' – what?"

"Oh, I'm not sure."

"Then why did you say it in the first place?"

"There's a reason I stopped, Dean!"

"Okay, okay... Maybe it'll just sail itself to wherever and we don't have to worry about it."

"..."

"Alright, so maybe that does sound a little stupid."

"A little?"

"I don't see you coming up with any ideas, CollegeBoy."

"Well, first I think we need to figure out when exactly in the movie we are."

"Well, we're on a ship – Shut up, Dean – so we've obviously left Port Royal. We could be on our way to Tortuga...?"

"Or...?"

"Or what?"

"That can't be the only time their on a boat alone."

"It's a ship, not a boat."

"Well sorr-ee_ Captain._"

"So we've ditched the navy and are headed to Tortuga. Let's hope it's a straight course."

"Sam, I think you're missing the issue here."

"What?"

"We're _in_ a _movie_."

"And we can't do much about it here, can we? It seems the most likely way home is to finish the film, and then..."

"And then what?"

"I don't know."

"Yeah, Sam, not liking that plan."

"Look, I don't know why, but it just makes sense."

"What if you're wrong, and the movie finishes and we're still here when the credits roll – what then?"

"That's not going to happen."

"You don't know that."

"Look Dean, you're just going to have to go with me on this."

"Sam..."

...

"Fine. But if you're wrong I'm so gonna kick your ass."

"Just sit tight, and try not to primp."

"Try not to fall over your hair, Captain MopHead."

"Jealous."

"Shut up."

.

"...That has never breathed deep the sweet proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga, savvy?"

"That's my line, Dean."

"Yeah, well you didn't say it, and it needed to be said. Where do we go now?"

"I think we have to find Gibbs."

"That's right, throw some water on him. This way... What?"

"Let's go this way."

"But it's this way."

"How do you know which way it is?"

"Because in the movie they went past the nutter dunking his head in the water, and then talked to... Oh, I get it."

"Get what?"

"You don't want to get slapped."

"You wouldn't be smiling if it was going to happen to you."

"Yeah, but you're forgetting one very important thing, Sam – You're Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"Ha ha Dean, very fun... Scarlet-"

"Whot?" _**SMACK!**_

"Ow. _You_ deserved that."

"Hahaha, It's not over yet, Sammy-boy."

"Look, uhh, Giselle-?"

"Who was she?" _**SMACK!**_

...

"...hahahahahahahaha."

"Jerk."

* * *

So... yeah. I did warn about the crack, right? Stay tuned for more!


	2. Prose

There was a scene missing at the end of the last chapter, I went back and added it.

* * *

Crack! of the Caribbean: Curse of the Brother's Winchester

_(2 - Prose)_

* * *

It took a little time, but they managed to find buckets (pails, Sam had insisted. Dean just gave him a look) and water to fill them with. And then they had to ascertain exactly which alley Gibbs was lying behind. In the end they found him by following the smell of the pigs.

Just as Dean was about to toss the first bucket onto Gibbs, Sam grabbed his arm. "Wait, what if he doesn't recognise me as Jack Sparrow? He won't help us."

Dean considered it. "Scarlet and Giselle didn't have that problem."

"True." Sam conceded. "Alright." He picked up his bucket and heaved.

_**SPLASH!**_

"Curse ye fer breathin' ye slack-jawed gokers!" When the droplets cleared from his vision, he finally noticed Sam. Though, Dean was sure it would have happened anyway, considering Sam was still as tall as he always was. "Mother's love – Jack! You should know better then te wake a man when he's sleeping; s'bad luck!"

"Ahh, well fortunately..."

When Sam trailed off, Dean nudged him. "Dude, come on."

"I've forgotten the line." Sam muttered.

"What? You're supposed to be Jack Sparrow, go on!"

They finished their muffled conversation and turned back to Gibbs who was watching with puzzled eyes.

"Uhh... I'll buy you a beer?" Sam offered.

Gibbs smiled. "That'll about do it."

Dean timed it perfectly. Instead of waiting until like Will had done, Dean threw the second bucket just when Sam was in range, and then affected his most innocent expression.

"Blast I'm already awake!"

"That was for the smell." Dean replied, and Gibbs conceded the point.

After he waved the excess water from his person, Gibbs led the way to the Faithful Bride, leaving Sam to fall into step with Dean.

"You're supposed to throw the water after I get out of the way."

"That's not how I remember it."

If it had been anyone else but Sam, they probably would have bought it. But seeing as it was, he glared.

"Come on Sammy, beer's awaiting!"

And Dean took off to catch up with Gibbs before Sam could retort.

.

Dean stood watch with his back to the wall whilst Sam fetched the drinks. Movie or not, he didn't trust the bar-goers brawl to not to spill over to where they were. Who knew what happened after the scene ended, anyway?

Sam weaved his way back from the bar and paused by him. He glanced at the crowd surrepticiously before leaning over. "Keep a sharp eye."

Dean reached up and swatted him on the back of the head. When he reached out for one of the mugs, Sam pulled it out of his reach. "Ah-ah, Will Turner doesn't drink."

"Yeah, well neither does Sam Winchester unless it's karaoke night, now gimme the beer."

"It's ale, actually."

"_Sam_," Dean warned.

Sam stared down at the mug thoughtfully. "No, I think I'm going to keep it." When Dean glared, he smiled. "Oh, this isn't looking so funny now, is it?"

He backtracked out of Dean's reach before he make another play for it and plonked himself down at the table with Gibbs. Because Dean was right about his drinking habits, he gave Gibbs the larger tankard and took the cup.

Gibbs was pleasantly surprised at the show of generosity and took a hearty gulp, as though Sam was liable to change his mind at any minute and swap them back. Though, considering who he was supposed to be, it didn't seem that much of a stretch.

"So, what's the nature of this venture yer on?"

_I'm trying to get out of this movie_, Sam wanted to say, but he got the distinct feeling that it would only be met with a blank stare, so he used the answer he had spent his trip to the bar trying to remember. "I'm going after the Black Pearl." There was probably more to it, but that's as far as he got.

It was enough apparently, as Gibbs spluttered his drink and looked at Sam with wide eyes. "Jack, it's a fool's errand. Why you know better'n me the tales of the Black Pearl."

_Crap, what was I supposed to say now?_ "Uhh, yeah. That's... yeah, I do."

Gibbs frowned at him.

"Look, I've got it all figured out. I just need a crew."

Gibbs looked doubtful. "Prove me wrong, that makes you think Barbossa'll give up his ship to you?"

"Let's just say it's a matter of leverage, mate." Sam wasn't sure if it was the 'mate' or the entire line itself, but Sam knew that the reason Dean snickered was because of him. Though he was thankful, as now he didn't have to do that spastic flailing with his head, as it drew Gibb's attention as well.

Sam pointed to Dean, who was conveniently looking in another direction. "That is the child of... Bootstrap Bill Turner. His only child." _Go on, say it._ "Savvy?"

Dean let out another muffled snicker, but this one turned into a cough as he turned away to get it out of his system.

"Leverage says you, I think I feel a change in the winds, says I. I'll find us a crew; there's bound to be some sailors on this rock as crazy as you."

"Yeah, there is." Sam replied offhandedly, looking for his brother who had disappeared from view. He turned back to Gibbs and covered his gaffe by raising the cup.

...Except he had forgotten the toast. Crap.

Gibbs picked up on the cue anyway. "Take what ye can."

"Give nothing back," Sam replied, happy to salvage something. They clanked their drinks together and Sam stared down at the murky liquid as Gibbs gulped his down. Dean was nowhere to be seen, and Sam got the distinct feeling that as this whole charade went on, he would later be wishing he drank it when he got the chance.

So he did.

.

Even though it wasn't a whole lot, it seemed to have a greater effect than the alcohol Sam was accustomed to, as he found himself swaying on his way outside the tavern.

Thankfully Dean was waiting outside the door, and managed to catch him before he fell. "Woah Sammy, you all right?"

"Dean!" He cried, a dopey smile on his face.

Recognising it for what it was, Dean rolled his eyes. "Can't even manage one little cup? I'm disappointed in you, Sammy."

"'M not Sam! 'M Captain Jack Sparrow!" He proclaimed, earning himself a few suspicious glances from the people nearby. Of course being Tortuga, it was likely that suspicious was their default setting.

"Sure ya are, Drunky McDrunkerson. How about we get you back to the ship now, yeah?"

"You know Dean," Sam slurred, "Tortuga wasn't actually as bad as this movie makes it out to be. Port Royal was actually worse where crime and pirates were concerned."

"And how do you know that, huh Sam? You go research it?"

"Yup!" He popped the 'p'.

"Nerd."

"Jerk."

"Bi..." Dean had started, but trailed off when he realised that Sam had passed out on his shoulder. "Wuss," he amended as he shifted his grip and carried him back to the ship.

"Come on Sammy, let's get you to bed. The sooner you sleep the sooner you can get slapped again tomorrow."

Okay, Dean had to admit, he was enjoying this a little.

* * *

Yeah, so I gave up on the dialogue thing pretty quickly. I think the story is going to alternate between dialogue-only scenes and prose; with no rhyme or reason as to why.

Thankfully this is only Fanfic-net, otherwise I'd feel bad about writing something like this.


	3. Words

vballmania23, who was the first person to review this, asked where Will and Jack were in the midst of all this. Well, ponder aloud in my reviews, and you shall receive!

* * *

Crack! of the Caribbean: Curse of the Brother's Winchester

_(2 - Dialogue)_

* * *

"Jack, will you stop playing with that thing and help me?"

"Come on Will, don't be such a whelp. Ye 'ave te try this thing. Never in my life ave I met a lady with such magic in their fingers, an' I've been to many places."

"Yes Jack, I know. You've been to Singapore."

"An' India, an' Cape Town, an' London..."

"Then tell me, oh Master of the Land, where are we now?"

"Well, we appear to be in a room of some sort. Perhaps we crashed that ship into some rocks and this is the next place."

"The next place?"

"The place ye go afta ye leave the place you were."

"This isn't Heaven, Jack."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because St. Peter appears at the gate to judge our worthiness. There is no Saint, and there is no gate."

"Perhaps this is his waiting room. Only one gate, I imagine there'd be quite a few linin' up te get in. Especially if there's more o'these glorious mattresses."

"Jack, get off the bed before the mattress swallows you up."

"Why would a mattress eat me?"

"It's an expression, Jack."

"You, I would understand. But me? Can't imagine I'd taste any good... Where are you going?"

"To explore. To investigate. Aren't you supposed to be a pirate? Where's your sense of adventure?"

"I got all the adventure I need right 'ere."

"I can't believe you-"

"Seriously, you 'ave te try it! Here!"

...

...

"It's a bed."

"Can't you feel it?"

"Yes. It is soft. Now will you please help me search?"

"That's not what I'm talking a... What did ye do?"

"Nothing."

"Ye did! Ye broke it! Undo it!"

"Undo what?"

"Whotever it is ye did. Now!"

"I didn't do anything. You made me sit on this bed, and I did. Nothing happened."

"Then get the bloody hell off it!"

"What's that?"

"It's the most amazing invention in the wor-"

"Not that. Listen."

...

_"...Know better then te wake a man when he's sleeping; s'bad luck!"_

"Hold on, I know that voice. It's Gibbs. But miniature. What is miniature Gibbs doing in a box? GIBBS!"

"Jack, I don't think he can hear you."

"GIBBS!"

"Jack..."

"GIBSON GIBBERY! OIY!"

"JACK!"

"Whot?"

"I don't think he can hear you... Stop shaking it, Jack."

"GIBBS!"

"Oh, for the love of - JACK, HE CAN'T HEAR YOU."

"Wait a minute... wot was that?"

"What?"

"They were talkin' in an alley - Tortuga it looked like - and suddenly they're in a pub. Faithful Bride, looks like."

"That's not all that looks like something."

"I know, that bloke looks like Keyhole Nate. Owes me money."

"No Jack, I mean... Don't you think that man resembles you?"

"Who?"

"The one talking to... Gibbs, did you say?"

"'E looks nuthin like me."

"But he's wearing your clothes. And bandana."

"'E's got no right wearing my bandana - TAKE IT OFF!"

"Perhaps that is what is happening..."

"Wot kind o'man steals another man's bandana? That's just... insidious..."

"What if we are meant to be there, and they are meant to be here? Think about it - these clothes, this room... What if this device is a gateway between our world and something else?"

"...And 'e can't even hold a drink..."

"Jack, are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, yer spurting nonsen- hang on, so yer sayin' if'n we were te get inside that box we'd be in Tortuga?"

"I... don't think so."

"Then wot do we afta do? M'not lettin' im go around givin' me a bad name."

"You're a pirate, Jack."

"Yeah, but I don'wanna be known as a bad pirate. I wanna be known as a bad pirate."

"That doesn't make-"

"Ah! There!"

"What?"

"'E called you Dean! Or, th'other you... him. And YouDean called mehim Sam. Probably short for Samuel. Or Samson..."

"'_M not Sam! 'M Captain Jack Sparrow!"_

"NO YER NOT, I AM! SAVVY!"

"So they know who we are - or you at least. Perhaps they know how we came to be here?"

"Nah, but they do think that we'll swap back to there and they'll come back 'ere if'n they finish their - our - mission."

"How do you know that?"

"They said it when you were yellin' at me earlier."

"Why didn't you mention it then?"

"I didn't know wot it was until I saw Gibbs, now did I? Besides, I 'ad other things on me mind. Captain things."

"I'm sure... So we just have to wait?"

"For the opportune moment, it seems."

"Very well. Move over."

"Wot's wrong with the chair?"

"You're not using all the space, just move over."

"Sorry."

"Jack..."

"Pirate."

"That excuse is wearing thin."

"Well, this is 'ow I sleep."

"You sleep spread out across the entire bed?"

"Yes."

"What if it were smaller?"

"I'd manage."

"...This is about that mattress, isn't it?"

"I'll not let you break it again!"

* * *

And there was a nod to the ultimate crack!ed Pirates' fic in existence. If you've read it, you'll know. If you haven't, go read it. At least the first ten chapters. I'll admit I started getting confused when Sean Penn got covered in popcorn... though it was a _corn_field, so I supposed that was to be expected.


End file.
